I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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