I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
