maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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