i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Four minutes until I can fart!
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
