im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
