i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
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We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
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Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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