I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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