Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
