If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
