while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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