Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Text me some of your sweat
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