Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
