dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
