I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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