He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
