the condom got lost in my hair
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
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