Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You're earring is so big in my mouth
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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