roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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