I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
