dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
