My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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