moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
