help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
