Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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