everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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