hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
