3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
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He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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