I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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