Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
