I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
