i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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