Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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