Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
