You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
