Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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