youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
