my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
