Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
