we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
she looked like the before picture.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
