i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
