Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
