What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize