I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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