It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
