There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
only you would photoshop your dick
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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