When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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