I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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