I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Im part way to drunk.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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