I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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