I hope mine doesn't look like that
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Randomize
