eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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