I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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