Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
