Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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