She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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