his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
