Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
