Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
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i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
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there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.