I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
