I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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