so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You don't make any sense
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