Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
