so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
