Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
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He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
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Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
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