Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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