Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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