I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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